Hard Questions

It has been a long year already and we aren't even a half of a year into this.

So far we have been on a roller coaster. After having all of the money we raised be dragged through the mud and jerked around by the state of California we have prayerfully decided a few weeks ago to officially close the door on the possibility of adopting that little girl. It has taken me a long time to write this post for two reasons:
1) We really wanted her. We wanted to do all we could to get her into our home. We had to give it all we had. We love her family and would have loved to bring them into ours.
2) IT SUCKS! Everyone always said that adoption is hard and it will rip your heart in every which direction and put it through the ringer. You cant imagine what that is like until you have been through it. I was prepared for hard but I don't think anyone can prepare themselves for this much hard.

I have known about my infertility for almost a decade. I thought I had come to grips with it when we started this. Nothing will bring up old feelings on inadequacy like this will. I constantly question "Why"? Why does my body have to be 'broken'? Why are so many people that are terrible people able to get pregnant and I cant? Why doesn't God trust me with a child? Not only will he not give me a biological one but he put us through hell to try for this one and he doesn't trust me with her either! Am I really that terrible of a person?

And then there is the guilt I have towards my husband. He doesn't deserve this. He wants a family also. He hasn't had the amount of time to prepare as I have. It is my fault he is going through all this. If I can't  even provide the basic physical function of having a baby then what kind of wife am I? Yes I do all the other 'wifely' duties but still... Didn't God create man and woman as a companion and helpmate AND to procreate???? I can't hold up on half of my job!

All these things have been running through my mind like crazy since our California trip. It has been really hard on me. Through lots of prayer, trust in the Lord, a few good books, friends and family that have been there for us, I have learned to cope. I think every couple in our shoes go through these questions to some degree or another. I have learned that they are natural things to question, however hard.

There is nothing wrong with me. The next time someone finds out I cant have children and asks, "oh whats wrong with you?" I will say "nothing". My body is just not able to handle it right now. It does not mean I am broken. The Lord has other plans.

The next time someone says "I hate that so-and-so got pregnant and you cant. You deserve a kid!", My response will be, "Because the Lord wants us to learn something from this that they don't need to learn." We will have an added responsibility of raising not only a child, but a child coming from another biological family. I think we need to feel this pain so that I can better understand the pain that the child will go through later in life as they have all their questions about "why" when it comes to their adoption.

When someone asks, "You have been married a while, when are you going to start your family? Gotta do it while your young." or "your not getting any younger..", I will really try hard not to take it personally. As hurtful as those questions along with judging eyes can be, they are just trying to make conversation and learn about me. They just don't know what is an appropriate question to ask. I can help educate them!

I keep telling myself that I had a long time to process the fact that having a family would be harder for me. My husband did not. I told him it would be a struggle and he married me anyway. He knew things wouldn't be easy but loved me enough to marry me anyway. Thats saying something right???

Even though we have become a little more enlightened, we have decided to take a little break from actively searching. We are not giving up. We want a family. We NEED a family, however it may come. For now we are just going to work on our house to make it the best possible environment for our future child. Finish up some projects that got put on hold. We are going to recoup and heal for a little while and then jump back into the pool. Our family is out there somewhere, we are just becoming better prepared for it.

Thank you for all of your love and support!!!
~Moriah

California

One thing that we have been preparing ourselves for during this time was disappointment, having the possibility of a child and losing that. We had our first bit this week.

We were contacted by a mother about a month ago about her sweet little girl. The girl was already in the foster care system so that automatically cut our chances of being able to have her in half. We knew that chances were slim but, because it was the mothers wishes that we have her, we decided to pursue this avenue.

We talked to her caseworker to get the information of what we needed to do on our end to make this work. We needed to get our duel state licensing started and we needed to come to California for the hearing. That is what we did.

We decided that if we came out for the hearing that it would not be the only reason for our trip. We knew there was still only a 50/50 chance that we would get the baby so we scheduled our 'vacation' to see family and friends in the area the same week as the hearing. Clever right? That way if the hearing didn't go our way it wasn't waisted.

We showed up to the visitation that we were supposed to have with the girl the day before the hearing to be told by the caseworker that she changed her mind, that she had no idea why we would come out, and that she was not even going to put our names up for consideration at the hearing. Thanks! That would have been great information for us to know two weeks ago when we bought the tickets right after she told us that we needed to be here on this date!

We were heart broken. Lots of tears followed! We were prepared for a negative outcome but we weren't prepared for it to happen this way. We are so blessed to have friends and family in the area that let us vent to and helped calm us down.

We know that this is the way that the Lord wants it to be. This little girl is supposed to be with the family she will be with, and there is another child that is supposed to be in our family. We have faith that everything will be ok in the end. It will all be worth it.

It will be worth it.

We've all heard the diatribe about what parenthood is. It is sleepless nights, crying babies, putting yourself last, changing diapers, cleaning up messes, trips to the emergency room and I don’t know how many other negative descriptors I've heard. We've all heard them.  It’s expensive, messy, and stressful on every front. That’s probably true. But you know what else everyone says? It’s worth it. Those last three words are often overlooked, but they are the most important part. Just think about that for a moment.  It’s worth it. Parenthood must be amazing if it’s worth all of that.

For most of my life my dream has been to be a parent.  A father, when people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say a loving husband and a caring father. My biggest goal in life is to make enough money to buy a house and support a stay at home mom for our children. Well I've got a wonderful wife, I've got a beautiful home, but the children are missing. I long to teach them. To watch them grow. 

As my wife and I continue to go through the adoption process, everyday it seems we come across another challenge, another hoop to jump through, another thing we need to get. The stress doesn't wait until you have the baby, it starts when you decide to think about having the baby. We've modified those three words up above to create our mantra to keep us going. Our Mantra is “It will be worth it.” Whenever we come across another struggle, emotional, or financial, or another task we need to complete or schedule or another thing we need to buy. We set ourselves to doing it and silently in our minds repeat “It will be worth it.”

Daniel

The Beginning

The emotional road begins.

I got a call last Saturday from a dear old friend. She has fallen on some hard times. She told me that a mutual friend had mentioned we were looking to adopt and asked if we would be  willing to adopt her baby girl. Instantly I felt honored. We haven't had much contact in the last 8 years. 8 YEARS, and she still chose us. She said that she knew how I was raised, knew my family values, knew the person I was and wanted her daughter to be raised by me. ME! It took everything in my to hold back the tears while we talked.

With her living in California and my husband and I living in Texas there are complications though. Her daughter is already in the foster care program, placed with a family that would love to adopt her. I cant blame them, just from the few pictures I have seen she is completely adorable!!! Usually the only time they consider out of state adoptions in this case is if it is a family member wanting to adopt.

We talked to her case worker yesterday. There is hope however because we have been family friends for 12+ years. We are moving forward as if we will be able to adopt her but we wont know for another month when we fly to California and stand before a judge, hoping that he will have pity on us, and let us be considered to adopt this sweet little girl. After we get permission to be considered it will probably be a month or more before we can get all the duel state certifications to get her in our home. And then after that, many more months before we can legally adopt. The waiting game begins.

I have shed a lot of tears already and thankfully have such a loving and supportive husband, family, and friends. The hardest thing is not knowing.  I hope and pray every day that God knows what is best for us and this little girl, and if this is what he has planned for us then he will help make it happen.

In the mean time I am keeping busy with getting items up for our auction. It is coming to a close so soon! 2 more weeks! Ack!

Please keep us in your prayers.

Moriah

Marshall Adoption Silent Auction

It continues to amaze me how expensive adoptions can be. The average adoption nation wide is between 20-30 thousand dollars. Thankfully there are other options that are more cost efficient if we are willing to do a lot of legwork ourselves. But since we still don't have thousands of dollars laying around the house we have had to get creative with earning the money to go forth with an adoption. 

We have the most amazing friends and family that have donated so many items for a silent auction. Little things from teas to baby items. Others have donated amazing amounts of fabric and ribbon to help me in my quest to make certain baby items to put towards it as well. I am constantly overwhelmed by all the love and support that we have received! 

I just thought I would throw it out to the universe that if you would like to help us reach our goal of adopting feel free to check out the online auction on Facebook. All items are listed in the photos section. New things are being put up every day!

https://www.facebook.com/threebedroomhometwoemptyrooms

If you have any questions, need to contact us, or would like to donate in another way, our email address is 3bdrmhome2emptyrooms@gmail.com. 

I would like to thank you for all of the love and support that we have received! It has been amazing. 

Moriah

Daniel and I were married in San Antonio on May 19, 2012. We are wanting to start a family but due to medical reasons we are not able to conceive. We are hoping that through this blog and with the help of family and friends we will be able to find a child of our own through adoption. Here is a little about us. 

About Daniel: 

Daniel grew up in South Utah as the tenth child in a family of eleven. Yes you read that right - ELEVEN! Growing up in that household was never dull! Daniel learned from an early age by watching his parents what hard work and determination could do.  As a child he sold Popsicles to the neighbor kids at over a 300% profit and as an adult he works in IT. 
Ever since he was a teenager Daniel has looked forward to being a husband and a father, because of the immense respect for his own father it's always been his biggest dream. Well other people dreamed of getting rich, playing sports, or becoming famous, Daniel dreamed of being a Dad, a stalwart head of the household.

About Moriah: 

I am the oldest of 5 girls. I grew up all over California and moved every few years due to my fathers job. I was raised in a very loving, giving, and close family. Thankfully we are all still close in an emotional and physical sense. All but one sister (and brother-in-law) live here is San Antonio and my parents live just 40 minutes away. We are blessed to be able to get together with family almost every week. 

I am currently a stay at home wife. Thanks to all that my loving and wonderful husband does for us, I am able to stay at home and do what I love best. I spend my days cooking, quilting and crafting. It is through the money that I earn doing those things that we hope to be able to save enough for an adoption soon! 

About Us:

We had a whirl wind of a beginning that we wouldn't trade for the world! From when we met to when we were married it was only 3 1/2 months. We fell in love fast and we fell in love hard. 

We met in Salt Lake City when I moved there to attend LDSBC for their Interior Design program. Daniel was living in Bountiful working IT for Wells Fargo. We met online in what had to be fate. I had less then one week left on my online dating subscription and he had just signed up the night before. We talked for hours that first night and met in person two days later. We have been together ever since! 

We started our life together here in San Antonio after we got married. We both felt that this is where we needed to be so we packed up what could fit in our car and drove down. Daniel got a much better job during the drive from Utah and I got one the day before we left. We were blessed! It strengthened our faith that if we do what the Lord asked us to do then he will provide a way. 

We were fortunate enough to be able to buy our first home in April on 2013. We got our fixer-upper and have been working hard to get it ready and turn it into a home. Now that we are finished we never want to leave! We love our house, we love our community and we love our church family!

Why we want to adopt:

As an 11 year old I had the opportunity to be their for my youngest sisters birth. As I was in the room trying not to pass out I vowed I would adopt because I didn't have a high enough pain tolerance! :) It took me a year or five to recover. 

In 2006 I learned that I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Due to cysts that have formed I am not able to ovulate on my own. I have seen multiple doctors and have tried every treatment that they know of and we have not been able to get it under control. Unfortunately the longer it goes untreated, the less of a chance there is of getting pregnant. After a few false uterine cancer scares, I was told that even if I did manage to ovulate there was still a very slim chance that I would be able to stay pregnant long enough to deliver a healthy baby. I was devastated. All growing up the thing I wanted most was to be a Mommy. I wasn't going to be able to have that chance.

When Daniel and I discussed this as we were getting married we decided that we were not going to let it get us down. Through adoption we are able to have that chance. We pray that we will have an opportunity to welcome a little baby into our family as our own - a child that we can raise and love. 

This blog is a way that we can share our story with others. A way to get the word out to birth parents. We hope and pray that God will let us raise a child, and that as a mother chooses adoption for her baby that we can be considered to raise that child to its full potential. 

We know that adoption is not easy for either party. We will be praying for you (the future mother of our baby). May you be blessed with strength, courage, love and support.