It has been a long year already and we aren't even a half of a year into this.
So far we have been on a roller coaster. After having all of the money we raised be dragged through the mud and jerked around by the state of California we have prayerfully decided a few weeks ago to officially close the door on the possibility of adopting that little girl. It has taken me a long time to write this post for two reasons:
1) We really wanted her. We wanted to do all we could to get her into our home. We had to give it all we had. We love her family and would have loved to bring them into ours.
2) IT SUCKS! Everyone always said that adoption is hard and it will rip your heart in every which direction and put it through the ringer. You cant imagine what that is like until you have been through it. I was prepared for hard but I don't think anyone can prepare themselves for this much hard.
I have known about my infertility for almost a decade. I thought I had come to grips with it when we started this. Nothing will bring up old feelings on inadequacy like this will. I constantly question "Why"? Why does my body have to be 'broken'? Why are so many people that are terrible people able to get pregnant and I cant? Why doesn't God trust me with a child? Not only will he not give me a biological one but he put us through hell to try for this one and he doesn't trust me with her either! Am I really that terrible of a person?
And then there is the guilt I have towards my husband. He doesn't deserve this. He wants a family also. He hasn't had the amount of time to prepare as I have. It is my fault he is going through all this. If I can't even provide the basic physical function of having a baby then what kind of wife am I? Yes I do all the other 'wifely' duties but still... Didn't God create man and woman as a companion and helpmate AND to procreate???? I can't hold up on half of my job!
All these things have been running through my mind like crazy since our California trip. It has been really hard on me. Through lots of prayer, trust in the Lord, a few good books, friends and family that have been there for us, I have learned to cope. I think every couple in our shoes go through these questions to some degree or another. I have learned that they are natural things to question, however hard.
There is nothing wrong with me. The next time someone finds out I cant have children and asks, "oh whats wrong with you?" I will say "nothing". My body is just not able to handle it right now. It does not mean I am broken. The Lord has other plans.
The next time someone says "I hate that so-and-so got pregnant and you cant. You deserve a kid!", My response will be, "Because the Lord wants us to learn something from this that they don't need to learn." We will have an added responsibility of raising not only a child, but a child coming from another biological family. I think we need to feel this pain so that I can better understand the pain that the child will go through later in life as they have all their questions about "why" when it comes to their adoption.
When someone asks, "You have been married a while, when are you going to start your family? Gotta do it while your young." or "your not getting any younger..", I will really try hard not to take it personally. As hurtful as those questions along with judging eyes can be, they are just trying to make conversation and learn about me. They just don't know what is an appropriate question to ask. I can help educate them!
I keep telling myself that I had a long time to process the fact that having a family would be harder for me. My husband did not. I told him it would be a struggle and he married me anyway. He knew things wouldn't be easy but loved me enough to marry me anyway. Thats saying something right???
Even though we have become a little more enlightened, we have decided to take a little break from actively searching. We are not giving up. We want a family. We NEED a family, however it may come. For now we are just going to work on our house to make it the best possible environment for our future child. Finish up some projects that got put on hold. We are going to recoup and heal for a little while and then jump back into the pool. Our family is out there somewhere, we are just becoming better prepared for it.
Thank you for all of your love and support!!!
~Moriah
No comments:
Post a Comment